East of Constantinople, West of Shanghai

Mother of Toth!


Now, ok, naysayers, haters, can’t judge a movie from its trailer, the effects are beautiful, great costumes, the leads are hot… but, seriously?

C’mon, seriously?

gods-of-egypt-poster-hathor-elodie-yungSo ok, the idea is let’s make a movie about the old Set vs Horus bruhaha.
Let’s call it Gods of Ancient Egypt.
And I say, why not? – I’m a sucker for historical fantasy and mythology, right?
And Egyptian myths are refreshingly creepy and not so mainstream, so yes, please, do it.

OK, so the gods of Egypt are mostly Caucasian1.
And to think they kicked Ridley Scott‘s backside all the way to Tell el-Amarna for casting Christian Bale as Moses!
But of course in this movie Hator (can’t remember her in the Set/Horus thing, but anyway…) Hator is portraied by a Cambodian/French actress, delightful Elodie Young.
Cambodia being pretty close to Egypt on the map, I guess that solves it.

But, ok, so there’s these pretty hot, Caucasian, sometimes bearded, strangely armored Egyptian gods.
And they fight in beautiful… uhm, cluttered palaces, and they smash everything2.
Using Stargate leftover technology!
Oh, look! He rips off Horus’ eyes!
Oh, slaves building pyramids!
Oh, Egyptian kaiju!

But then the whole turns into a… a frigging, frizzy-haired, blond hipster having to steal back the eyes of the god because his hot date asks him to?
Where does this happen, down at the Luxor Mall?

Cue to some SuperMario-style platform action, and then… ok, some more smashing stuff.
And yes, there in the background there’s a thing like a blue scarab with a scorpion tail.
It’s as big as a city car, by the look of it.
Why not, it still feels more Egyptian than Gerald Butler and the blond dude.

Granted, it’s just two minutes, but the general impression is one of absolute laziness – in terms of writing,of casting, of general execution.
I’m not saying it’s bad3, I’m saying it’s lazy.
And I don’t like lazy storytelling.
517XBUcqj0L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_But hey, be positive, they say, so I’ll be positive.

In the department of wishful thinking – listen up, Hollywood.
There’s a beautiful book, called Creatures of Light and Darkness, by one of the greatest writers ever to grace the field of imaginative fiction, Roger Zelazny.
Make a film out of that.
Yes, you will have to shell out some hard cash to buy the rights – do it.
Then make the movie.
Without screwing around with rewrites, previews, test audiences and the need to please teenagers – take the novel, make a movie out of it.
Nice and smooth.
You’ll be glad you did.
I’ll be here, watching my Stargate SG1 DVDs while you do it.

  1. I can imagine a dozen good fantasy coherent explanations for this, it’s ok… or it would be were an explanation constructed into the plot. My money says it isn’t. 
  2. so now we know why Egypt’s littered with ruins, right? 
  3. well, ok, I’m pretty sure this is going to be bad. 

Author: Davide Mana

Paleontologist. By day, researcher, teacher and ecological statistics guru. By night, pulp fantasy author-publisher, translator and blogger. In the spare time, Orientalist Anonymous, guerilla cook.

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